After my most recent doctor's appointment I have realized that I am really bad at advocating for myself. Being chronically ill all my life I have been convinced by doctors that I am making up symptoms. I know now as an adult that I am not and that what is happening to me is real but I always end back up as a scared girl in the doctors office thinking they know best. I try to have someone come with me as much as possible but it can't always happen. The doctors have gotten so far into my thoughts that I have actually rewritten memories to fit their narrative of my sickness. When I was talking with my mom the other day I brought this up. We were talking about when I first got diagnosed with pots. She tells a story that every time I would pass out I would get a weird grin. For the longest time she thought I was faking because of (I was young and she thought I wanted to get out of things). So one time when I passed out she poked me with a pin to see if I was faking. I never moved and when I woke up my arm hurt. She believed me after that and has been a great advocate. Though I remember this instance it is different in my head. I have convinced myself that I was faking passing out and that I just somehow willed myself not to move.