You are absolutely valid for having such a hard time with this. Our bodies are very private and it can be so scary being vulnerable, even if it’s for a safe and medical procedure. Maybe you could talk to your doctor and ask if there’s any chance you can have a speculum so you can practice getting acquainted with the equipment in the safety of your own home. You don’t even have to use it but just take it step by step by holding it, looking at it, etc. This could potentially help relieve anxiety if you become comfortable with the object at home. Hopefully this helps and is an option you might be able to explore. Good luck!