joining a bipolar support group can help. just realize that you have to stay on your meds, and ask someone you trust to keep an eye out for you and let you know when your acting different.

Over 8 years ago i had a rally manic episode which ended in a rally bad depressive episode. The things i did between the two, I still cannot seem to forgive myself for. There was someone trying to love me and i treated them poorly not even aware of what i was doing until long after the episode was over. I didn't even know I was bipolar at the time, those episodes lead to me being hospitalized and diagnosed with it which eventually lead me to getting the right treatment for me. It took years before I was healthy, but that person decided not to be my friend because of it and I often wish I could go apologize to them for all i did. I would hope they'd accept my apology, forgiving myself is a whole other issue though. I can't seem to forgive myself for hurting them that way.

I understand what you're feeling. I did terrible things to my husband while manic. I didn't yet know I was bipolar, I was diagnosed a couple years later, and it was still a while before I looked back on that year and realized it was mania that made me act so horribly. It's true, it's so much harder to forgive yourself than it is for others to forgive you. I second the advice about a support group. Try to give yourself some grace, you're struggling with a difficult, and often insidious, condition.