I’ve been that way for at least the past five years and it’s only progressed. I just always feel stuck honestly. School was always hard until adderall, but once that happened I just dissociated on a regular basis. Quit that, kept losing who I was, and eventually ended up in the hospital, and trying different medications for depression, and kept getting panic attacks from some acute combination of weed, bupropion, and lexapro.

If it helps, I've stopped thinking of my unproductive phases as being lazy and stupid and I've started thinking of it as recharging. DaVinci was a genius, but even he had to take a break every now and then. There's no shame in taking breaks. And when it comes to taking breaks, avoiding overwhelming tasks can be helpful.