That sounds like a contradiction. Are you under the care of an interdisciplinary psychiatric team? It can help you address these issues.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s ok to be a walking contradiction… I feel similar a lot to what you expressed and have a hard time managing all the things in my head. Dialectical- two opposing thoughts or feelings is completely normal but harder to handle in my opinion- if it’s one side or extreme I can figure out how to handle that versus multiple. There is dialectical behavior therapy that might help if you habent tried. I’m bipolar but have found ADHD executive function hacks and skills extremely helpful for me to get motivated to actually to the thing or even not be motivated but just work on doing it anyways- creating better discipline.