Thank you so much. Ik but some of the things are my fault

If you need to talk, bounce some ideas or thoughts off of someone, I've struggled with it for 23 years and am more than happy to lend an ear or whatever you need. Don't be scared or discouraged, but also remember that mental health treatment in general is used to help you manage, not provide a cure. You're going to have to put in some work but you can DO THIS.