Hi Anat. I am brand new here, but it seems like you and I share some conditions. I am seeing a wonderful CBT therapist. Have you ever tried it before?

It’s a fight everyday I have been in therapy since the age of 12 many hospitalizations runaways locked up in isolation cells suicide attempts substance abuse many years ago fighting then I got obsessed with exercise Got married worked 15 years straight hade a marriage that failed twice cheated got addicted to pornography and sex with any one was an escort many years ago for the money have been diagnosed with everything but the kitchen sink on and off meds had incest with my cousin lost everything house home all belongings was in hotels for a year and a half in Homless shelter twice for a year went bankrupt was in my last depression mode that last about three to six months we’re I do nothing but get high drink eat watch tv and engage in porn to bummed and tired to seek out a real sex partner after my last episode in shelter after all the hell and turmoil I realized getting depressed just compounds everything makes it harder heavier and almost impossible to get out of the abyss that gets deeper with every episode now I am living on my own doing what I must with a daily schedule terrified of the depression this is my motivation to keep on keeping on no mater how hard it may get cause nothing is as bad as that depression its like being alive but walking breathing dead with no motivation whatsoever so if I must force my self to do what I must to survive and thrive I will always remember this temporary feeling is just that temporary I must always Be and complete my daily routine schedule for life till my last breath the depression is worse than a death cause you are alive experiencing a depressive episode with no Hope motivation or drive off all meds sleep well straight through the night learning to be with myself and be ok with it